I Tried Everything to Build Confidence, Here's What Worked
Ed Darling
4 min read
Video summary on Building Confidence:
I tried everything to build my confidence.
After struggling with social anxiety and a debilitating fear of public speaking, I knew I had a long road ahead of me.
My confidence had taken a serious hit—anxiety seeped into every aspect of my social life, making even everyday interactions feel daunting.
Meeting someone for coffee felt overwhelming.
Buying a train ticket was a challenge.
Speaking in public? Out of the question!
It felt like my anxiety could strike at any moment. It was exhausting and isolating to have so much uncertainty. I desperately wanted to regain control.
So I began experimenting with ways to change:
Supplements
Tapping
Hypnosis
EMDR
A bizarre herbal spray that tasted awful
While some of these seemed to help temporarily, none offered lasting results. I still had twinges of panic at random times, and feared what might happen if I was ever put in the social spotlight.
Perhaps your experience isn’t as extreme. For some people, such panic only happens if you walk on stage, or face a huge audience.
But if nerves have ever held you back, I’m sure you can relate.
So, did I find a “quick fix” for building my confidence?
The 'unreality' of building confidence.
In the “movie scene” of someone building confidence, we’d see a 90-second montage of them running on a treadmill, studying books, and speaking to strangers—and suddenly, they’ve made it.
Social media fuels this illusion by showcasing a curated “highlight reel” of triumphs while hiding the struggles. This reinforces unrealistic expectations about personal growth, making the journey look effortless.
We’re bombarded with the idea that change should be quick and easy. When it’s not, we’re left thinking:
“Why hasn’t this worked for me?”
“Will I be stuck like this forever?”
Not only anxious, but now we also feel like failures! Repeated experiences and societal pressures often lead people to internalise these doubts and assume they’ll never overcome their fears.
It’s why I meet so many people who say with absolute certainty:
“I could never speak in public.”
But there’s a way forward.
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The difference between change and transformation
The key lies in understanding the distinction between change and transformation:
Change can happen in a moment—a single thought, experience, or decision can shift your perspective or behaviour. However, these changes are often fleeting.
Transformation occurs when you act on those changes consistently over weeks, months, or even years. This is how true, lasting growth is achieved.
A personal development example:
The first time I read a self-development book (Feel The Fear by Susan Jeffers), I realised I could build new skills and change my mindset. That was a moment of change.
But my mindset only transformed after years of reading books on psychology, and even more importantly, applying those lessons to my life.
A public speaking example:
The first time I attended a Toastmasters meeting, I delivered a table topic to 30 people. I didn’t return for a year out of embarrassment (that’s another story), but that experience sparked a change.
I realised public speaking was a skill I could practise and improve. But my abilities only transformed after committing to years of consistent practise – attending workshops, courses, and continually pushing myself.
An acting example:
When I first performed in the theatre (in Lorca’s Blood Wedding), I stepped offstage and felt a shift in my self-belief. I realised I could perform to an audience, and actually enjoy it! It felt like a big change.
But my confidence only transformed after years of performing in plays, touring theatres across the UK, and building my craft as a professional actor.
Change happens quickly. Transformation takes time.
The Real "Quick Wins" to Build Confidence
The true “quick wins” to building confidence aren’t shortcuts—they’re small, consistent steps that gradually expand your comfort zone.
Whether it’s:
- Speaking up in meetings
- Striking up conversations with strangers
- Offering to pitch an idea at work
Each action builds momentum. Every time you face a fear head-on, you reclaim some of your power. Over time, these small wins compound into lasting confidence.
So keep pushing forward, take consistent action, and remind yourself: transformation takes time, but the results are life-changing. A year from now, you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come.
PS. One more thing…
Although it took me years to go from anxiety to confidence, I regularly see my clients making huge strides in just days or weeks.
By fine-tuning my training programmes, I’ve developed a system that helps people overcome fears, build their skills, and become confident communicators in a fraction of the time it took me.
If you want to speed up your journey, it always pays to seek professional guidance.
With that said, here’s to your public speaking success! 😊
Ed
